


Judge, Jury, and Rick-cecutioner

by Punkheart11



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Language, Mention of Death, Post Season 2, Rick and Morty Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5949259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkheart11/pseuds/Punkheart11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a lot of questions we ask ourselves, but don't intend to answer.  What would you do if you knew you were about to die, what would you say to someone you were never going to see again, would you want to know the exact time and day of your death? Unfortunately for Rick Sanchez, he was about to answer all three of them very soon.  Set after The Wedding Squanchers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Judge, Jury, and Rick-cecutioner

        There are a lot of reasons why people feel the need to drink. Sometimes it’s to be polite at a party, sometimes it’s to relax after a hard day at work, and sometimes it’s just because they can. However, the most common reason is to forget. Forget about your crappy boss who screamed at you in front of the entire company, or your shit for brains fiancé who you caught with your sister. Forget about the things in life that make people unhappy. After all, no one wants to be unhappy right? When life throws problems our way, we try to do our best to distract ourselves from having to face them, and even though that’s the easiest way to get rid of them, it’s also the most painful. Instead of wasting energy trying to make it so that you’re happy in the future, why not just chug back a beer and be happy now? Let the cool liquor pass through your body as it pushes your bad thoughts away. And the more times you drink, the deeper the thoughts get pushed down into the recesses of your mind until you almost completely forget about them. Well, until you sober up and realize that the answer to life’s problems is not at the bottom of a bottle.

        That’s why Rick Sanchez never liked being sober. Sobriety meant having to wake up from your carefree stupor and go back to living in the real world. Without the mind numbing effects of alcohol, it was like reality bitch-slapped him with a sack full of bricks. Every single questionable decision he ever made, every life that was taken away by his hands came crawling back up into his mind. A life of adventure did not come without some consequences. Thus, there were only three reasons why he would be sober. 1. There was for some reason no alcohol within arm’s reach for at least 24 hours (rare), 2. It was by choice (never), or 3. He was stuck in the galaxy’s most maximum security prison. Unfortunately for him, it was number three.

  
         It had been around two weeks since Rick had given himself up to the Galactic Federation, and as he suspected it totally and utterly SUCKED. No booze, food that somehow looked better coming up than going down, and being forced to live with himself knowing that you are pretty much the worst person in the entire world. Oh! Let’s not forget the nausea, headaches, hallucinations, and nightmares that came with going cold turkey. He wondered why he allowed himself to indulge it such torture. But it didn’t take long for him to remember why…

  
Beth.

  
Summer.  
  
Morty.  
  
Je- No, not Jerry. Jerry can go eat a fart.  
  
        The three solitary people in the world who gave a shit about him, and he did nothing but treat them like dirt. But that’s why he was here, wasn’t it? To try and give them something, anything, to show that he didn’t think of them as expendable pieces of flesh.  
He should have never let himself get attached to them. After all, he was a Rick, a Rick that learned a long time ago that he should never let himself get attached to anyone. The closer you are to someone, the more heartache they would bring.  
  
         And besides, they would be better off without him.  
  
         Rick’s attention was suddenly caught by a couple of alien guards who were making their way to his cell. At the front of them was…Tammy. Even though she was in her Galactic Federation uniform, Rick could tell it was her. You don’t forget the face of the person who killed your best friend and ruined your life so easily.  
  
         “Rick Sanchez…so you’re the bastard that’s been giving us such a hard time.” She said, looking at a clipboard that was attached to his cell.  
  
         “Yeah, well, it’s not exactly hard to get on your bad side.” Rick replied. He felt another wave on nausea come on as he tried his best to keep it in.  
  
         “I never thought I’d see the day when we’d get you behind bars.” A smile crept across her face.  
  
         “Listen lady, you guys didn’t do crap. I let you catch me.”  
  
         “Right right…your little act of heroism. Tell me Sanchez, what exactly caused such a sudden turn in your life? Did you suddenly grow a heart? Or perhaps you felt sorry for yourself and wanted to try the road to redemption? I mean after all even the worst of people can change right?”  
  
         “Is this why you came?” Rick snapped, his headache starting to come back. “To call me out?  
  
        Because yeah, I’ve done bad things, but you have no right to judge me for them, Tammy.” Rick put as much venom as he could muster on her name.  
  
         “Oh right, are you still made at me for the whole wedding thing? Honestly it’s not like you didn’t see this coming. You were practically begging me to take you two out from the start.”  
  
         “What the hell are you talking about?” His hands were now clenched. If looks could kill, she would have been six feet under by now. His anger turned into confusion however, when she began to burst out laughing.  
  
         “Oh my god!! Are you seriously that stupid? What did the years of booze and drugs finally deplete what little brain cells you have left?” Her laughing lasted a few minutes more as Rick continued to glare. Well, I’ll try to explain it to you slowly. We’ve been looking for you two for a long time Sanchez. I used to think that it was impossible to be the universe’s number one criminal, but you’ve done some exceptional work. You had whole classes dedicated to you at the Galactic Academy, and as soon as I saw your mug I knew that I was going to take you down one day.”  
  
         “So you were obsessed with me? Kinda bordering on creepy there lady.”  
  
         “Call it what you will, but I suppose ‘obsession’ would be a good term. I spent ages tracking you down and I did anything, and I mean anything, to get even the slightest hint as to where you were. But unfortunately, you can only beat so much information out of people before it becomes useless. At one point I was almost ready to give up, but then we got word that a certain dimension of Earth had suddenly become populated by Cronenbergs. While investigated, we noticed that a large amount of DNA in the Cronenbergs belonged to a certain Morty Smith.” She glanced at Rick, who visibly tensed up. “Of course, that wasn’t enough to go on, but it was something. After another brief investigation I found myself at Harry Herpson High School, and it didn’t take long to realize that Summer and Morty had connections to you. So I slowly started becoming friends with Summer, and to be honest, I had enough information to finally take you down, and I was about to. Of course, that was before I heard about the party you were hosting.”  
  
         Rick looked up at woman in front of him, eyes wide, realizing what she was getting at.  
“That’s right Rick. I thought that that night was going to be the day I took the great Rick Sanchez down…but then you invited Birdperson over.”  
  
         Rick clenched his fists. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t need to be reminded of his mistakes.  
  
         “Now Birdperson wasn’t exactly at the top of my list, but he was close, and I knew that I couldn’t let this situation pass. So I passed the opportunity to take you down, and decided to wait a little longer until I could get you both. And it wasn’t exactly hard to get on his good side. A lonely, sad, middle aged Birdperson, desperate for some affection, and a drunk teenage girl…it was like the universe wanted us to be together. And if I recall, it was you who said that he should, how did you put it, ‘get his beak wet’?”  
  
         “That was before I found out that you were a total bi-AUGH!” A wave of pain surged through his body as his shackles became electric. The pain triggered another wave of nausea, and this time he wasn’t able to hold it in.  
  
         “Don’t interrupt me, and watch the shoes.” She said, putting away her remote control and stepping aside from the spray of vomit. “Where was I? Ah, well, you know how that story ends. I got what I wanted, and effectively killed two birds with one lazer gun.”  
  
         “So did you just come here to kick me while I’m down or what? Because if I have to listen to another word come out of your mouth you might as well just throw me on Death Row right now.”  
  
         “Actually, that’s what I came here to tell you. The Federation has finally gone through your record.” She then pulled out a tablet and began to pull out Rick’s file. “You’ve been charged with quite a lot Sanchez…arson, vandalism, terrorism, homicide, pug trafficking, llamacide…you’ve got quite a list. And with that list it should come to no surprise to you that it wasn’t exactly hard to come up with your punishment.”  
  
         “Ooo, what are you gonna do? Make me pick up trash on the sides of highways? Volunteer at an old folks home? Throw me in jail?”  
  
         “Rick…you don’t know how much pleasure I get in telling you this. No Rick, the Federation has sentenced you to death for your crimes against the galaxy.”  
  
         “Oh wow! Killing an old man when he’s already on the verge of death. You guy’s sure know how to get the job done-AUGH!” Another shock went through his body.  
  
         “I don’t think you’re really in the position to make jokes at the moment Sanchez.”  
“Son of a bitch, if I’m such a terrible person than why don’t you just kill me now!!”  
  
         “Don’t tempt me. If I had my way you would be six feet under by now. But unfortunately we still need to set up the proceedings for your execution. So until then you will be moved into a non-disclosed holding facility in a nearby galaxy. Also, we have already notified your family and they have requested that they be allowed to see you one last time.”  
  
         “No thanks, I’d rather just get the killing done now please. I’m not one for that emotional crap.”  
  
         “So would I, but it’s not up to you.” Tammy inched closer to Rick’s face, “And besides, seeing your pathetic family crying over your sorry ass? It’s going to be hilarious.”  
  
         “You wanna know what else is hilarious? This.” And before Tammy could register what he was saying, Rick proceeded to vomit all over Tammy’s face. The two guards behind Tammy started to run over to her, but she put her hand up to stop them. She stood in silence for a moment as Rick howled with laughter. He could barely breathe by the time she had wiped the puke from her face.  
  
         “Oh my god, I was right that was hilarious.” Rick said, barely able to contain his laughter. “That’s what you get for messing with the great Rick Sanchez you bit-“ But before he could finish his sentence he was cut off by the force of Tammy’s fist flying into his nose. She then grabbed him by the front of his shirt.  
  
         “Listen to me Sanchez. There is one week left before your execution, and that may not seem like a long time, but I can personally see to it that any enemy you have made in the galaxy knows the location of every one of your friends and family. You pull another stunt like that and I will make sure that your last week in this world will a million times worse than whatever they plan on doing to you. Understand!?”  
  
         Rick remained silent.  
  
         “Good. Oh, and one last thing.” Tammy then sent another punch, this time landing it square into his nose.  
  
         “When you’re in hell, tell Birdperson that I hope we can still be friends.”  
  
          The last thing Rick thought about before he lost consciousness was how badly he needed a drink.

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you guys like the first chapter. I will try to update as soon as I can, but I have school and work so they won't be coming out as fast as I would like. Also it's my first Rick and Morty fan fiction so I want to make sure that the characters are as accurate as possible. Give a kudos and review if you like!'
> 
> Also if you're wondering why Rick isn't burping or stuttering, it's because he hasn't has a lot of booze in his system, so I think he would be a little more eloquent without it.


End file.
